We belong to a generation where we throw broken things
away rather than trying to fix them. If your television set or DVD player stops
working it is a lot easier to get it replaced than to try and fix it.
Unfortunately, this holds true even if we look at marriages as an institution.
A large number of us prefer to throw it away than try and fix it. Yes, we are
part of the “Throw Away” generation. Irrespective of whether we have an arrange
marriage or a love marriage, we need to work hard to keep it going.
Any marriage is hard work, no doubt, but at the same time, there is absolutely no issue in a marriage that cannot be fixed or resolved, provided the “two” individuals put in the effort and work on it. I stress on the word “two” because a marriage has space for only two individuals. If ever there is a third person involved, the relationship becomes complicated. No, I am not referring to a third person in regard to an extra marital affair only, but unfortunately in our Indian culture, the third person role is usually played by one of the in-laws. The in-laws play a more significant role in an arranged marriage and it is difficult to keep them at bay. Though it is slightly lesser in a love marriage, there is no denying the fact that they have a strong influence there as well.
As an individual moves on from single life to married life, his/her roles and responsibilities change. Each individual should ideally go through a process of “Leaving” and “Cleaving”. Unfortunately in our traditional system, the leaving rarely happens, or it sometimes does not happen the way it should. When a marriage happens, the majority of adjustment always needs to happen from the woman’s side, since in our culture, it is the women who “leaves” her family and moves in with the man’s family. She is suddenly in a new environment with new dynamics and since she has done her “leaving” and is now ready for the “cleaving”, the ball is now in the man’s court, for him to go through his process of “leaving”. Unfortunately, that sometimes does not happen.
When that fails to happen, women now know that they have options. Few decades ago, the role of women was to only give birth, raise children and look after the house. She had no option beyond that. She was uneducated and lacked an income, so leaving was not an option, even if it was a love marriage. These days however, even with arranged marriages, a large number of women choose to leave, because they are now as educated as men and have an income of their own and all of a sudden they realize that they have a whole world of options in front of them.
I always say that Indian men never ever cut their umbilical cord. I mean it in a metaphoric sense of course. There is a huge attachment, and sometimes an unhealthy attachment between a man and his mother. Their chord is sometimes so thick and tight by now that the man finds it impossible to cut the cord or in other words, go through the process of “leaving”. If that “leaving” does not happen, then the person at the other end of the cord automatically becomes the third person in the marriage. As I said, no marriage has space for a third person. This leads to unnecessary involvement in the marriage by the third person and also an effort by the third person to try and control the other two. The mother always subconsciously fears that if she allows her son to go through “leaving”, then she might lose him forever.
The process of “leaving” does not mean you ignore your parents or cut them off from your life. It only means that you are now accepting your responsibility to be a husband. Whether love or arranged, the man has consciously decided to take on a new family and when he has made that decision, he has to now see the new family as his responsibility, while still respecting and fulfilling his duties towards his old family. Unless this happens, there will be no “cleaving” happening. Without “cleaving”, the marriage will lack trust, intimacy and in turn the basic problem solving skills will never develop between the couple.
I can in no way claim that either form of marriage is better than the other. Both have their challenges and both have their advantages. We all need to accept and understand the fact that we have a choice when it comes to choosing a partner, even if it is an arranged relationship. We have a right to say YES or NO. Whatever we say, it should be for the right reason. One should never say YES to a marriage because the parents thought the other family is a good match. One should never say YES because there is pressure to get married. Remember that you are responsible for your choices and you are going to be the one spending the rest of the life with that person.
So irrespective of whether it is a love or arranged marriage, as long as you can leave and cleave, you will do fine. Then the whole question of what kind of marriage you had will really not matter. Work hard, keep it going strong and give it all you have got. Contrary to common belief, arranged marriages too can succeed and love marriages too can fail.
Going forward, with our changes in lifestyle and the various changes that happen around us, our marriages are going to become more and more challenging. At the same time, no matter what the challenge, we need to have an awareness that the power lies within us and if we can successfully make the “leaving” and “cleaving” happen, then as a unit, no problem will be too great and no mountain will be too high to scale.
Any marriage is hard work, no doubt, but at the same time, there is absolutely no issue in a marriage that cannot be fixed or resolved, provided the “two” individuals put in the effort and work on it. I stress on the word “two” because a marriage has space for only two individuals. If ever there is a third person involved, the relationship becomes complicated. No, I am not referring to a third person in regard to an extra marital affair only, but unfortunately in our Indian culture, the third person role is usually played by one of the in-laws. The in-laws play a more significant role in an arranged marriage and it is difficult to keep them at bay. Though it is slightly lesser in a love marriage, there is no denying the fact that they have a strong influence there as well.
As an individual moves on from single life to married life, his/her roles and responsibilities change. Each individual should ideally go through a process of “Leaving” and “Cleaving”. Unfortunately in our traditional system, the leaving rarely happens, or it sometimes does not happen the way it should. When a marriage happens, the majority of adjustment always needs to happen from the woman’s side, since in our culture, it is the women who “leaves” her family and moves in with the man’s family. She is suddenly in a new environment with new dynamics and since she has done her “leaving” and is now ready for the “cleaving”, the ball is now in the man’s court, for him to go through his process of “leaving”. Unfortunately, that sometimes does not happen.
When that fails to happen, women now know that they have options. Few decades ago, the role of women was to only give birth, raise children and look after the house. She had no option beyond that. She was uneducated and lacked an income, so leaving was not an option, even if it was a love marriage. These days however, even with arranged marriages, a large number of women choose to leave, because they are now as educated as men and have an income of their own and all of a sudden they realize that they have a whole world of options in front of them.
I always say that Indian men never ever cut their umbilical cord. I mean it in a metaphoric sense of course. There is a huge attachment, and sometimes an unhealthy attachment between a man and his mother. Their chord is sometimes so thick and tight by now that the man finds it impossible to cut the cord or in other words, go through the process of “leaving”. If that “leaving” does not happen, then the person at the other end of the cord automatically becomes the third person in the marriage. As I said, no marriage has space for a third person. This leads to unnecessary involvement in the marriage by the third person and also an effort by the third person to try and control the other two. The mother always subconsciously fears that if she allows her son to go through “leaving”, then she might lose him forever.
The process of “leaving” does not mean you ignore your parents or cut them off from your life. It only means that you are now accepting your responsibility to be a husband. Whether love or arranged, the man has consciously decided to take on a new family and when he has made that decision, he has to now see the new family as his responsibility, while still respecting and fulfilling his duties towards his old family. Unless this happens, there will be no “cleaving” happening. Without “cleaving”, the marriage will lack trust, intimacy and in turn the basic problem solving skills will never develop between the couple.
I can in no way claim that either form of marriage is better than the other. Both have their challenges and both have their advantages. We all need to accept and understand the fact that we have a choice when it comes to choosing a partner, even if it is an arranged relationship. We have a right to say YES or NO. Whatever we say, it should be for the right reason. One should never say YES to a marriage because the parents thought the other family is a good match. One should never say YES because there is pressure to get married. Remember that you are responsible for your choices and you are going to be the one spending the rest of the life with that person.
So irrespective of whether it is a love or arranged marriage, as long as you can leave and cleave, you will do fine. Then the whole question of what kind of marriage you had will really not matter. Work hard, keep it going strong and give it all you have got. Contrary to common belief, arranged marriages too can succeed and love marriages too can fail.
Going forward, with our changes in lifestyle and the various changes that happen around us, our marriages are going to become more and more challenging. At the same time, no matter what the challenge, we need to have an awareness that the power lies within us and if we can successfully make the “leaving” and “cleaving” happen, then as a unit, no problem will be too great and no mountain will be too high to scale.
