This is probably one of the greatest complexities that life has thrown at us. The whole concept does not make any sense sometimes, and yet at other times it makes all the sense in the world, though it is harder to understand. Some of us get into it knowingly and some of us just find ourselves in the middle of one, though it could have been the last thing we wanted to have with our partner. Both are equally difficult and no one scenario is easier than the other. Technology has played a huge role in making such relationships last, but beware, the same technology could cause your downfall. I cannot imagine someone having a long distance relationship 20 years ago, without Internet, cell phones and what not. A snail mail would take ages to reach from another country and whatever was written in that would be outdated by the time it reached. You can have a long distance relationship between two partners stuck in two different cities in the same country, or it could be two countries. The former has some advantage because if you really wanted to see your partner this weekend, you can. Anyway, this is not a lecture on what a long distance relationship is, or which is better. These are just some tips on how you can survive one, and come out smiling, all from my own experience and learning's from the last three long years.
Trust is the Key
Those diagnosed with Paranoid and OCD should stay away from this. You cannot keep doubting and you cannot keep checking on your partner. You need to trust them blindly and this can be a very hard thing to come by, especially if you have had your trust broken in the past. Know for a fact that your partner would not let you down and be assured that your partner believes the same of you. If you ever see a small doubt creeping in, clear it that very day with your partner. If you ignore it, it will only grow like a tumor, until its too late to cure.
No Conditions
You do not trust your partner with conditions. Never use statements like, "I will trust you if you call me everyday." Or, "I will trust you if you mail me everyday." Remember that your partner is not your hostage. The phone may not ring for a few days and your inbox may remain empty and that in no way means your darling is tossing the salad somewhere else. Trust them even if you don't hear from them for a while. There is always a good reason. You may also have expectations, but it in no way means that they have to be met. Some would be met and some may not. Appreciate your partner for what they do for you.
Be Honest, and Do Not
This is where we need to be totally honest with ourselves. Being far away from our partner does not ever grant us the right to do what we want. We can do what ever we want to with whoever we want to, and our partner may never come to know about it. If you have ever done something like this, then be assured that your relationship has already taken a few steps back without your knowledge. I guarantee you that it will come back to haunt you sometime in future. This is what I do: when ever I am in doubt, I ask myself how I would feel if my partner did what I was going to do. Would I approve her doing it? No. Would I feel hurt if she did it? Yes. Then I have no right to go ahead with what ever I was going to do.
No answer? Don't Panic
Ever tried calling your partner and all the phone did was ring on and on? Ever have this happen for more than one day in a row? And what did you think? That he/she has forgotten about you and moved on? Grow up. I agree that it could be the most frustrating feeling for you. It is for me, and calling becomes more complex because we are on two different sides of the globe and the time difference screws things up. Your partner could be at work. The phone would have run out of battery or it may have been on silent mode. Maybe they did not hear it, and hey, maybe they did not want to talk to you that day. Is there a rule that I missed that states that your partner should be willing to speak to you when ever you want to?
Ever Felt Misunderstood?
Its very easy to misunderstand your partners tone over the phone. Worse, it easier to misunderstand over the Internet. You can always tune words into what you want to hear and in that process the real meaning gets lost. Honestly, there is nothing much we can do about this. This is bound to happen often and I think that us being aware that it could be a misunderstanding, is a good start.
Always Clarify
Being out of sight, you are sure to hear about your partner from friends and other known people. News can get twisted by the time it reaches you and it could be far from reality. Do not jump into a conclusion by listening to the words of a third person. Always clarify it with your partner and be careful to not use an accusing tone. You are not accusing them, but only clarifying what you heard and setting it straight.
Frustrated? Suck it up.
Frustrations will happen. Physical closeness is such an important part of any relationship and when that is missing, it could throw the system into chaos. But do you want to give it all up because of some temporary frustrations? Along with distance, you will begin to see a new side to your partner. A side that you may wish never existed and this could always lead to frustrations and fights. Understand that no one comes with only positive traits. The negatives remain hidden at first and the closer you get, the more it is revealed. A cruel joke, don't you think? Haa.
Space it Out
Frustrations and fights happen. Don't be in a hurry to resolve it. I used to initially tell my partner that we would never ever let the sun go down before we resolve an issue. It never ever worked. Whats the hurry? I can cool down and resolve something in a few minutes and I would love to have it that way. My partner on the other hand, needs more space and time before she has cooled down and sometimes this could extend into the next day. So different people have different time spans before that are ready to resolve. So respect your partners space.
Surprise. Always Does Magic
Do things that are unexpected. Send a snail mail. Trust me, nothing beats the feeling of receiving something that was hand written by your partner. It feels more real and there is a different kind of connection. Plan a surprise call when your partner is not expecting one. If it goes unanswered, worry not, try later. If it goes through, just say, "I called to say that I love you." You can also send some packages occasionally that would surprise your partner. The scope of surprises are unlimited. Be creative and put an extra conscious effort into it always. The benefits are great.
Believe, for it Shall Pass
The distance is not permanent. It shall pass in due time. It has been more than three years for me and I still have a year to go. Ask yourself if what you have is worth holding on to, in spite of the hardships. If the answer is yes, then the pain, anger and frustrations of a long distance relationship are really worth it. Don't ever give up on something so precious, because of distance. How bad can a few months or years be? You both have a lifetime together.
Having blabbered so much, I would like to say that I am no expert and what I have written is not based on any study or research. It is purely from my own experience. These tips need not make sense or apply to every individual. We are all unique and have our own unique way of dealing with things. Do any of you have more useful tips on how you get through a long distance relationship? Please do share it, and lets make this process easier for all of us.
Trust is the Key
Those diagnosed with Paranoid and OCD should stay away from this. You cannot keep doubting and you cannot keep checking on your partner. You need to trust them blindly and this can be a very hard thing to come by, especially if you have had your trust broken in the past. Know for a fact that your partner would not let you down and be assured that your partner believes the same of you. If you ever see a small doubt creeping in, clear it that very day with your partner. If you ignore it, it will only grow like a tumor, until its too late to cure.
No Conditions
You do not trust your partner with conditions. Never use statements like, "I will trust you if you call me everyday." Or, "I will trust you if you mail me everyday." Remember that your partner is not your hostage. The phone may not ring for a few days and your inbox may remain empty and that in no way means your darling is tossing the salad somewhere else. Trust them even if you don't hear from them for a while. There is always a good reason. You may also have expectations, but it in no way means that they have to be met. Some would be met and some may not. Appreciate your partner for what they do for you.
Be Honest, and Do Not
This is where we need to be totally honest with ourselves. Being far away from our partner does not ever grant us the right to do what we want. We can do what ever we want to with whoever we want to, and our partner may never come to know about it. If you have ever done something like this, then be assured that your relationship has already taken a few steps back without your knowledge. I guarantee you that it will come back to haunt you sometime in future. This is what I do: when ever I am in doubt, I ask myself how I would feel if my partner did what I was going to do. Would I approve her doing it? No. Would I feel hurt if she did it? Yes. Then I have no right to go ahead with what ever I was going to do.
No answer? Don't Panic
Ever tried calling your partner and all the phone did was ring on and on? Ever have this happen for more than one day in a row? And what did you think? That he/she has forgotten about you and moved on? Grow up. I agree that it could be the most frustrating feeling for you. It is for me, and calling becomes more complex because we are on two different sides of the globe and the time difference screws things up. Your partner could be at work. The phone would have run out of battery or it may have been on silent mode. Maybe they did not hear it, and hey, maybe they did not want to talk to you that day. Is there a rule that I missed that states that your partner should be willing to speak to you when ever you want to?
Ever Felt Misunderstood?
Its very easy to misunderstand your partners tone over the phone. Worse, it easier to misunderstand over the Internet. You can always tune words into what you want to hear and in that process the real meaning gets lost. Honestly, there is nothing much we can do about this. This is bound to happen often and I think that us being aware that it could be a misunderstanding, is a good start.
Always Clarify
Being out of sight, you are sure to hear about your partner from friends and other known people. News can get twisted by the time it reaches you and it could be far from reality. Do not jump into a conclusion by listening to the words of a third person. Always clarify it with your partner and be careful to not use an accusing tone. You are not accusing them, but only clarifying what you heard and setting it straight.
Frustrated? Suck it up.
Frustrations will happen. Physical closeness is such an important part of any relationship and when that is missing, it could throw the system into chaos. But do you want to give it all up because of some temporary frustrations? Along with distance, you will begin to see a new side to your partner. A side that you may wish never existed and this could always lead to frustrations and fights. Understand that no one comes with only positive traits. The negatives remain hidden at first and the closer you get, the more it is revealed. A cruel joke, don't you think? Haa.
Space it Out
Frustrations and fights happen. Don't be in a hurry to resolve it. I used to initially tell my partner that we would never ever let the sun go down before we resolve an issue. It never ever worked. Whats the hurry? I can cool down and resolve something in a few minutes and I would love to have it that way. My partner on the other hand, needs more space and time before she has cooled down and sometimes this could extend into the next day. So different people have different time spans before that are ready to resolve. So respect your partners space.
Surprise. Always Does Magic
Do things that are unexpected. Send a snail mail. Trust me, nothing beats the feeling of receiving something that was hand written by your partner. It feels more real and there is a different kind of connection. Plan a surprise call when your partner is not expecting one. If it goes unanswered, worry not, try later. If it goes through, just say, "I called to say that I love you." You can also send some packages occasionally that would surprise your partner. The scope of surprises are unlimited. Be creative and put an extra conscious effort into it always. The benefits are great.
Believe, for it Shall Pass
The distance is not permanent. It shall pass in due time. It has been more than three years for me and I still have a year to go. Ask yourself if what you have is worth holding on to, in spite of the hardships. If the answer is yes, then the pain, anger and frustrations of a long distance relationship are really worth it. Don't ever give up on something so precious, because of distance. How bad can a few months or years be? You both have a lifetime together.
Having blabbered so much, I would like to say that I am no expert and what I have written is not based on any study or research. It is purely from my own experience. These tips need not make sense or apply to every individual. We are all unique and have our own unique way of dealing with things. Do any of you have more useful tips on how you get through a long distance relationship? Please do share it, and lets make this process easier for all of us.
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