I remember that a friend of mine asked me a few years ago if I had ever gone through depression. My response was, "hell no, I have never been so blown out." I think that I had every reason to have said that, because I thought depression meant sulking to the corner of a dark room and not moving from there, and of course feeling miserable. I think that I viewed it as some sort of an incurable, level -I mental illness, which obviously I made myself believe that I did not have. I am pretty sure that I am not the only one who has felt this way, mostly because of ignorance. It is so easy for us to not understand the symptoms and as a result be in complete ignorance about what we suffer from. Part of it is ignorance, and the other part is denial. We don't know it, and at the same time, our subconscious prevents us from exploring more and it makes us believe that we are fine, and as a result, we swim in denial.
I have been feeling miserable the last two weeks. It's as if someone flicked a switch on somewhere, and things began to feel differently. Though it has just been two weeks, I get the feeling that it has been autochthonous to my life. Time seems to drag. I have absolutely no motivation to do things. At nights I feel glad that I don't have to be at work the next day, but the next day I feel miserable that I have nothing to do. My sleep patterns are screwed up. I stay up at nights and sleep during the day. Though I do this mostly out of choice, I have noticed that I find it difficult to fall asleep at normal hours. I think the last time I remember when I felt so screwed up was a couple of years ago when I was still in India. I had graduated from college and was staying in Kerala for a year. For one whole year, all i did was stay in bed, watch TV, get up to eat, jump back into bed, sleep a lot and eat some more. I did not identify this as depression. I just believed that I was away from my friends and I missed their company and I missed being in college. There was no one I knew in Kerala and hence I had no where to go and nothing to do. I felt lousy always and had no motivation at all. I found comfort in food, which I ate a lot. I was never a healthy person and all the food I ate, only made matters worse. But heck, eating made me feel good. That was some comfort I had, and I was not going to give that up. My life went back to normal when I left home and shifted to Chennai after one whole year.
Depression can be hard to diagnose. Sometimes because we don't always see the symptoms and other times because we choose to ignore the symptoms. Some of the most common symptoms of depression are: Disinterest in practically every activity, over the top sadness or fear, tendency to feel so empty, loss of appetite, remarkable weight gain or loss, mental stress, loss of energy, feeling helpless and hopeless, always anxious, trouble focusing on an activity, thoughts of death and dying are always recurring, low self-esteem, personal hygiene is no longer given attention to, feeling pain and paranoid about somethings, and thinking that it could lead to something worse when it really is nothing. Some cases could be accompanied by thoughts of suicide. The symptoms are plenty and yet its so easy to ignore.
For me personally, I think these feelings are a result of a shift about to happen in life. Leaving a place where I have been for the past four years, leaving behind friends I have got close to, leaving behind the work that I enjoyed doing, and a lot more. The anxiety of what lies ahead, in terms of career, relationships, marriage and just about everything else makes you feel like shit. I try to think positive, but I cant resist feeling the negatives because they seem larger than life and is not so easy to ignore. Every now and then I get these isolated feelings of high. I don't become manic and hyper, but those rare moments when good thoughts float in your mind and you know that every thing's going to be good.
I know this is just a phase, and like all things, this too shall pass. Until it passes, it sucks, but I know I can make it through. I keep telling myself that life is not too bad after all.
I have been feeling miserable the last two weeks. It's as if someone flicked a switch on somewhere, and things began to feel differently. Though it has just been two weeks, I get the feeling that it has been autochthonous to my life. Time seems to drag. I have absolutely no motivation to do things. At nights I feel glad that I don't have to be at work the next day, but the next day I feel miserable that I have nothing to do. My sleep patterns are screwed up. I stay up at nights and sleep during the day. Though I do this mostly out of choice, I have noticed that I find it difficult to fall asleep at normal hours. I think the last time I remember when I felt so screwed up was a couple of years ago when I was still in India. I had graduated from college and was staying in Kerala for a year. For one whole year, all i did was stay in bed, watch TV, get up to eat, jump back into bed, sleep a lot and eat some more. I did not identify this as depression. I just believed that I was away from my friends and I missed their company and I missed being in college. There was no one I knew in Kerala and hence I had no where to go and nothing to do. I felt lousy always and had no motivation at all. I found comfort in food, which I ate a lot. I was never a healthy person and all the food I ate, only made matters worse. But heck, eating made me feel good. That was some comfort I had, and I was not going to give that up. My life went back to normal when I left home and shifted to Chennai after one whole year.
Depression can be hard to diagnose. Sometimes because we don't always see the symptoms and other times because we choose to ignore the symptoms. Some of the most common symptoms of depression are: Disinterest in practically every activity, over the top sadness or fear, tendency to feel so empty, loss of appetite, remarkable weight gain or loss, mental stress, loss of energy, feeling helpless and hopeless, always anxious, trouble focusing on an activity, thoughts of death and dying are always recurring, low self-esteem, personal hygiene is no longer given attention to, feeling pain and paranoid about somethings, and thinking that it could lead to something worse when it really is nothing. Some cases could be accompanied by thoughts of suicide. The symptoms are plenty and yet its so easy to ignore.
For me personally, I think these feelings are a result of a shift about to happen in life. Leaving a place where I have been for the past four years, leaving behind friends I have got close to, leaving behind the work that I enjoyed doing, and a lot more. The anxiety of what lies ahead, in terms of career, relationships, marriage and just about everything else makes you feel like shit. I try to think positive, but I cant resist feeling the negatives because they seem larger than life and is not so easy to ignore. Every now and then I get these isolated feelings of high. I don't become manic and hyper, but those rare moments when good thoughts float in your mind and you know that every thing's going to be good.
I know this is just a phase, and like all things, this too shall pass. Until it passes, it sucks, but I know I can make it through. I keep telling myself that life is not too bad after all.
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