The Romantic Phase
Remember those early days when you started falling in love, when everything seemed to be so perfect? You felt like things could never get better. You felt like this was the best thing that has ever happened in you life. All your emotional needs were being met and what ever you gave, emotionally or otherwise, were greatly appreciated. You were made to feel larger than life, with the continuous flow of compliments: some direct, and some hidden. Either way, you felt enriched in more ways than one. At the beginning of any relationship, this process is always on a two way street. Meaning, there is constant giving and taking from both partners, mostly balanced, but not necessarily. The bottom line is, both partners are working over time to impress the other and to secure the relationship. If you don't work hard enough, you may not always get it. During this stage, compliments are plenty. There are plenty of I-Love-Yous and a lot of I-Miss-Yous and you just get so used to hearing it often.
The Battle Begins
Things take a turn after a while. Every couple moves on from the romantic stage to the power struggle stage. This happens usually when both couples become unconsciously secure in the relationship. You now know that you have won your partner and that all the hard work you have done has really paid off. This is not usually a conscious process. We don't consciously think that, "ahh I have got him/her and now I can stop working so hard or give away so many compliments." This happens without our knowing. I do not want to generalize but in most cases, only one of the partner gets confused. It can sometimes be the man, and other times the woman. I don't think there is any rule on who it should be. Again with most couples, one of them takes on the role of the giver, while the other takes the role of the receiver. Even when one goes past the romantic phase, the giver keeps on giving. He/she does not stop giving compliments and he/she does not stop trying to please. It usually can confuse the giver because they do not get anything in return, they way they used to. Suddenly it feels like we are now on a one way street. This in turn leads to anger and frustrations. This stage throws up a lot of statements like:
"Don't you love me anymore?",
"You are not the same person anymore",
"Why do I have to beg so much to get a compliment out of you?",
"I feel you are drifting away from me",
and so many more. Not to forget the millions of thoughts that run in our head.
Confusion and Acceptance
It is at this stage that a lot of the givers get confused. It is easy to start thinking that your partner does not love you as much as they did before. Your mind probably works over time in trying to make you believe that you have lost the magic that you both had and that now there is no hope for your relationship. You feel unhappy and unsatisfied and you yearn for those magic moments you had before. So the right thing for you to do would be to put an end to your misery and start looking elsewhere, right? Wrong!!!! We all need to understand that the lack of compliments and the disappearance of emotions does not mean your partner is drifting away and does not love you anymore. Two different individuals always have two different ways of dealing with a situation, event or phase of life. It is only natural that we unconsciously expect our partner to act and respond the way we do, and when they don't, it leaves us mad. We do not consciously say that we want our partner to act exactly like us, but that is indeed the process that is happening inside us. We need to know that we cannot change people. We will have huge expectation of our partners and we have every right to have them, but that in no way means they will be met. In trying to meet our expectations, we are unconsciously trying to make our partner something they are not. This attempt will be in vain and will only lead to more frustrations.
Trusting and Letting Go
When we have made this realization, the next step for us is to blindly believe and let go. Now letting go is not the easiest thing to do. How can we just stop wishing for something that we so badly want? Trust is the most important factor. We need to believe that we are loved. We may not see that love the way we expect to, but it still is there. It's the faith that matters. It is pretty much like believing in God. We do not see God and a lot of our prayers go unanswered and suddenly it feels like a one way relationship with God. But every now and then there are these brief moments where you believe in God more than anything else. It is the same case with love. It is unrealistic to expect to feel it every single minute. You will feel it every now and then. You will have those brief moments when you feel like you are the luckiest person alive. In the other moments, you just have to believe that you are the luckiest person. Just sit back, lay down, stretch out, or whatever, and just let go. You are loved.
Remember those early days when you started falling in love, when everything seemed to be so perfect? You felt like things could never get better. You felt like this was the best thing that has ever happened in you life. All your emotional needs were being met and what ever you gave, emotionally or otherwise, were greatly appreciated. You were made to feel larger than life, with the continuous flow of compliments: some direct, and some hidden. Either way, you felt enriched in more ways than one. At the beginning of any relationship, this process is always on a two way street. Meaning, there is constant giving and taking from both partners, mostly balanced, but not necessarily. The bottom line is, both partners are working over time to impress the other and to secure the relationship. If you don't work hard enough, you may not always get it. During this stage, compliments are plenty. There are plenty of I-Love-Yous and a lot of I-Miss-Yous and you just get so used to hearing it often.
The Battle Begins
Things take a turn after a while. Every couple moves on from the romantic stage to the power struggle stage. This happens usually when both couples become unconsciously secure in the relationship. You now know that you have won your partner and that all the hard work you have done has really paid off. This is not usually a conscious process. We don't consciously think that, "ahh I have got him/her and now I can stop working so hard or give away so many compliments." This happens without our knowing. I do not want to generalize but in most cases, only one of the partner gets confused. It can sometimes be the man, and other times the woman. I don't think there is any rule on who it should be. Again with most couples, one of them takes on the role of the giver, while the other takes the role of the receiver. Even when one goes past the romantic phase, the giver keeps on giving. He/she does not stop giving compliments and he/she does not stop trying to please. It usually can confuse the giver because they do not get anything in return, they way they used to. Suddenly it feels like we are now on a one way street. This in turn leads to anger and frustrations. This stage throws up a lot of statements like:
"Don't you love me anymore?",
"You are not the same person anymore",
"Why do I have to beg so much to get a compliment out of you?",
"I feel you are drifting away from me",
and so many more. Not to forget the millions of thoughts that run in our head.
Confusion and Acceptance
It is at this stage that a lot of the givers get confused. It is easy to start thinking that your partner does not love you as much as they did before. Your mind probably works over time in trying to make you believe that you have lost the magic that you both had and that now there is no hope for your relationship. You feel unhappy and unsatisfied and you yearn for those magic moments you had before. So the right thing for you to do would be to put an end to your misery and start looking elsewhere, right? Wrong!!!! We all need to understand that the lack of compliments and the disappearance of emotions does not mean your partner is drifting away and does not love you anymore. Two different individuals always have two different ways of dealing with a situation, event or phase of life. It is only natural that we unconsciously expect our partner to act and respond the way we do, and when they don't, it leaves us mad. We do not consciously say that we want our partner to act exactly like us, but that is indeed the process that is happening inside us. We need to know that we cannot change people. We will have huge expectation of our partners and we have every right to have them, but that in no way means they will be met. In trying to meet our expectations, we are unconsciously trying to make our partner something they are not. This attempt will be in vain and will only lead to more frustrations.
Trusting and Letting Go
When we have made this realization, the next step for us is to blindly believe and let go. Now letting go is not the easiest thing to do. How can we just stop wishing for something that we so badly want? Trust is the most important factor. We need to believe that we are loved. We may not see that love the way we expect to, but it still is there. It's the faith that matters. It is pretty much like believing in God. We do not see God and a lot of our prayers go unanswered and suddenly it feels like a one way relationship with God. But every now and then there are these brief moments where you believe in God more than anything else. It is the same case with love. It is unrealistic to expect to feel it every single minute. You will feel it every now and then. You will have those brief moments when you feel like you are the luckiest person alive. In the other moments, you just have to believe that you are the luckiest person. Just sit back, lay down, stretch out, or whatever, and just let go. You are loved.
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