I really enjoy what I am doing. There was a time when I thought that my career would never be something that I would enjoy. I like being a therapist and it gives me more pleasure that I am a marriage therapist and that I get to try and help couples who have problems in their relationships. Call it narcissism if you want to, but there is this good feeling about being able to fix something. Its different from fixing a broken sink or the VCR. This is real people and their feelings we are talking about. Maybe you could draw some parallels with a doctor who has just performed a complicated surgery that has saved someones life. It must be a similar feeling. I feel powerful and feel like I have a lot of control. In therapy, the client does have a lot of control, but most of the time its something that the client is not really aware of.
So anyway, everything good comes at a price, and so does my new found control and power. I was just trying to look back and figure out how this has affected my relationship in the past and how it could continue to do so. I must admit that I had felt a little arrogant in the past, because I am now Mr fix-it-all. I remember one of my supervisors saying early on that as we start practicing, we should be prepared to deal with the rough patches that will arise in our own relationships. I dismissed it initially as rubbish, but later realized that she was right.
Towards the end of my first year, I took a trip back home. This chance came as a surprise and so my girlfriend and I were really excited. The time we spent together was good, but I soon began to notice the changes. We had small fights on most of the days, and a couple of big ones. On most occasions it was because I had said something which I probably should not have. I remember this one particular instance, which was probably the last nail. There was some kind of situation that happened and my girlfriend reacted to it in a slight aggressive manner, which is her natural way of dealing with things. I always choose the more calm and quiet path and so we kind of got into an argument about how differently we should have dealt with the situation. To be honest, it was I who even brought it up and said that she was not dealing with it in the right way. I criticized her action and I even criticized the things she said. I told her that things would have been better had she been more mellow "like me". The last sentence I probably said was, "There is no point in telling you all this. It just flies over your head and nothing goes inside". That was it. I don't think I need to elaborate on the series of events that happened next.
My point is, I had this attitude that I had learnt a lot and hence I knew how she should react in a situation. Its bad enough that guys in general think they can fix everything and we think that it is our birth right to be able to fix everything, even if it is not broken. It only makes it worse that I have now gone and got a degree in the fine art of fixing. I learnt that I should not analyze everything she says and does. I don't need to show off my talents in front of her. I don't need to tell her what the right way of doing something is. She doesn't need a therapist in her life. What she needs is a partner who will just be there and just let her be. If she really needs a therapist, she is capable of getting one for herself. This was my lesson in learning to let someone be, just the way they are. We are all unique individuals and no matter how much we have in common, we are all caught in the web of phenomenology. Different perspectives, different views and a lot of other things separate us. It really is difficult for us to accept a perspective that is different from ours. It may be bull crap to us, but it can be perfect sense to someone else. We cannot change it and we should not try to change it in someone else.No matter how aware I am of wanting to separate work from family, it is sure to creep in every now and then. That really is not avoidable, but being aware of it is the clue to controlling it.
Now in a few weeks, when I finish up here and head back home, this remains one of my greatest challenges. It does not matter what I have learnt and how much I have learnt. All that matters in the end is if I can be the person I really am, and if I can let her be the person she really is, without judging.
So anyway, everything good comes at a price, and so does my new found control and power. I was just trying to look back and figure out how this has affected my relationship in the past and how it could continue to do so. I must admit that I had felt a little arrogant in the past, because I am now Mr fix-it-all. I remember one of my supervisors saying early on that as we start practicing, we should be prepared to deal with the rough patches that will arise in our own relationships. I dismissed it initially as rubbish, but later realized that she was right.
Towards the end of my first year, I took a trip back home. This chance came as a surprise and so my girlfriend and I were really excited. The time we spent together was good, but I soon began to notice the changes. We had small fights on most of the days, and a couple of big ones. On most occasions it was because I had said something which I probably should not have. I remember this one particular instance, which was probably the last nail. There was some kind of situation that happened and my girlfriend reacted to it in a slight aggressive manner, which is her natural way of dealing with things. I always choose the more calm and quiet path and so we kind of got into an argument about how differently we should have dealt with the situation. To be honest, it was I who even brought it up and said that she was not dealing with it in the right way. I criticized her action and I even criticized the things she said. I told her that things would have been better had she been more mellow "like me". The last sentence I probably said was, "There is no point in telling you all this. It just flies over your head and nothing goes inside". That was it. I don't think I need to elaborate on the series of events that happened next.
My point is, I had this attitude that I had learnt a lot and hence I knew how she should react in a situation. Its bad enough that guys in general think they can fix everything and we think that it is our birth right to be able to fix everything, even if it is not broken. It only makes it worse that I have now gone and got a degree in the fine art of fixing. I learnt that I should not analyze everything she says and does. I don't need to show off my talents in front of her. I don't need to tell her what the right way of doing something is. She doesn't need a therapist in her life. What she needs is a partner who will just be there and just let her be. If she really needs a therapist, she is capable of getting one for herself. This was my lesson in learning to let someone be, just the way they are. We are all unique individuals and no matter how much we have in common, we are all caught in the web of phenomenology. Different perspectives, different views and a lot of other things separate us. It really is difficult for us to accept a perspective that is different from ours. It may be bull crap to us, but it can be perfect sense to someone else. We cannot change it and we should not try to change it in someone else.No matter how aware I am of wanting to separate work from family, it is sure to creep in every now and then. That really is not avoidable, but being aware of it is the clue to controlling it.
Now in a few weeks, when I finish up here and head back home, this remains one of my greatest challenges. It does not matter what I have learnt and how much I have learnt. All that matters in the end is if I can be the person I really am, and if I can let her be the person she really is, without judging.
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